The first in a 3-part series about how the Giudice familiy is coping with Teresa Giudice's incarceration featured many tears, a few laughs and a whole lot of 'whatevers' Watch video
There is clearly industrial-grade character rehabilitation at work in "Real Housewives of New Jersey: Teresa Checks In," from Joe Giudice's near-constant tears to incarcerated wife Teresa's desperately chipper keeping-up-appearances patter to her young daughters.
Taped during emotional milestones for the family -- Gia's eighth grade formal, which coincided with the one-year anniversary of the death of Joe's father, and Gia's graduation -- the special tried to soften up viewers for Teresa's inevitable return to the franchise. But there were so many nagging reminders of why this particular reality show power couple is so frustrating to watch, notably Joe's inability to express remorse about his misdeeds and to consistently own his role in his wife's imprisonment.
Or maybe that's deliberate on Bravo's part -- a good reality show character, after all, is one you love to hate.
Deny, deny, deny still rules the day in Towaco, from Joe's characterization of the Federal Correctional Institution at Danbury as "basically a low-budget spa" to Gia's assertion that the younger sisters think Teresa is "working," even though every phone call is interrupted by automated reminders that their mom is calling from federal prison.
Gia, now 14, is preternaturally poised in her interviews, insisting that her mother "just looks so relaxed" during their prison visits. "There's no bags under her eyes, she's so positive. She's still the same Teresa. She just looks so much better." (I suspect she's been coached -- but if that's true, why wouldn't someone have hired a media coach for Joe "Whaddayagonnado?" Giudice himself?)
What's more heartbreaking -- to hear a 14-year-old play spin doctor for her mother, or to realize she's essentially auditioning to go into the family business one day? (She even made a dig about not being ready to fully trust her aunt Melissa Gorga, for so long Teresa's arch-nemesis. Mama must be so proud.)
Joe, meanwhile, refers to his legal drama as "all this nonsense going on," and reveals that he can visit Teresa only every other weekend because "I'm a felon, so, whatever." (He also is working construction now because "I just can't put any mortgages or stuff like that in my name for a while." FOR A WHILE?)
But his most egregious side-stepping of blame came during his appearance, along with Teresa's brother Joe Gorga, on Andy Cohen's "Watch What Happens" following the special. Andy asked Joe Gorga whether he blamed Joe Guidice for Teresa's imprisonment, and Joe Gorga said he did.
When Andy asked Joe Giudice for his reaction, Joe said, "I don't know what you mean. Everybody's got their own, you know, everybody's got their own opinion on these things." Interesting, because Joe himself has, on occasion, taken the blame for their long-running financial fraud (even though he has also insisted he didn't know what he was doing was illegal at the time).
Then Joe Giudice tried to the flip the table (couldn't resist!) on his brother-in-law: "I would blame him more than me, going on the show and talking all the crap he talked for all the years with everything going on." Because Joe Gorga was the one who falsified W-2s and income tax returns years before "Real Housewives" was a gleam in Andy's eye?
Later, Andy returned to the topic, saying viewers were tweeting their outrage over Joe Giudice's response. "I did take full responsibility prior to that," he attempted to explain, "before any of this ever happened. It just so happened the way it did. But I had to take full responsibility for everything."
Give me a moment for my head to stop spinning on its axis.
RELATED: Judge rejects Giudices' attempt to contest foreclosure
On a lighter note, it would not be an episode of "Real Housewives of New Jersey" without some Milania sassiness, an inappropriate gay joke and Teresa endeavoring to convince us of the juiciness that is Joe.
* After Joe agrees with Audriana that Milania is "a little mean," Milania says, "That's because you people annoy me." What I wouldn't give for Milania to live-tweet "Real Housewives of New Jersey." Later, as Milania is having a meltdown on the day of Gia's graduation, Joe tells us that Milania is "very sensitive," and with her mother gone, "maybe that's why she acts up a little more." And what was her excuse before?
* In a conversation with Teresa's cousin Rosie, Joe says that Teresa can hear fellow inmates engaging in sex. I find it hard to believe that Rosie has never seen an episode of "Orange Is the New Black," but nevertheless Rosie acts surprised. "You can do whatever you want in there," Joe says. "In a regular men's place, if you want to be a corndogger, they're going to give it to you." Cue nervous laughter from Joe.
* And at the end of the episode, Teresa suggests a little phone sex, which Joe thankfully, nay, blessedly does not take her up on. And then Teresa tells Joe that she and the other inmates watched "Magic Mike" in prison. "I was, like, picturing your face on their bodies and I was like, 'Oh my God,'" she enthuses. When she gets out of prison, Teresa says, "I'm gonna be all over you even more."
Other revelations:
* Joe is clearly still drinking, even though his lawyer asked U.S. District Court Judge Esther Salas at the couple's sentencing to consider a residential rehab program in place of prison.
* Joe Gorga and Teresa had an argument the day before she went in to prison: "She had some words with me She was nasty, but then sweet, but then nasty, but then sweet," Joe Gorga tells us. "But that's Teresa. Over the last couple of months we've been emailing each other ... She's starting to realize that her brother really truly loves her."
* The only castmates who have reached to Joe since Teresa has been in prison are Teresa'a close friend Dina Manzo, and, of all people, Rino Aprea, the husband of sixth season castmate Teresa Aprea.
* When Andy poses a question from a viewer about the couple's plans to downsize and wonders whether they were going to sell their Montville mansion -- the F word (foreclosure) is not mentioned -- Joe says, "Not right now. We're downsizing some stuff. We got rid of a lot of stuff."
I'll be discussing the episode on our weekly podcast TV Hangover, with new episodes every Wednesday, and I'll be back live-tweeting next week at @VickiHy. Join me and other "RHONJ" fans (and anti-fans) in the fun:
@VickiHy already on it pic.twitter.com/KuVwXJINGd
-- StellaHex (@StellaTex) October 12, 2015
Vicki Hyman may be reached at vhyman@njadvancemedia.com. Follow her on Twitter @vickihy. Find NJ.com/Entertainment on Facebook.
Check out our new podcast TV Hangover, where TV critic Vicki Hyman and TV super fan Erin Medley take on the biggest TV news of the week, discuss the return of old favorites and face off about new shows.
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